As far as they have come, and Alex is waiting for the worst. He's trying not to curl in on himself, but his entire body feels wound too tight, neck bent sharply, gaze down but his eyes almost wide as if afraid if he closes his eyes, he won't hear what's coming next, won't be able to prepare.
"For me it was the whole town. I know that sounds stupid now, especially knowing what I know but she was queen of the town, the one in the know, and I just... panicked. It's like... everyone in town knew I was gay. I hadn't hidden that much as I never flaunted it but... but outing you meant getting you hurt and..."
And he needs to be honest. Wholly. Even if his words are already stop and go, halting as he tries to keep himself calm. No one here is going to hurt them, not like that, not because of that, but it doesn't make this easier.
"I kept thinking if I pushed you away then maybe it would be okay. If I could do that maybe you wouldn't be hurt by me again. Which was just me hurting you. Constantly."
He closes his eyes then, trying not to cry as his hand holds tighter than it should to Michael's hand. "It's still there," he whispers, something he hasn't admitted in therapy. Not in so many words. He's hinted around it, for a long time but he's never said it. "The fear. It's always there."
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Date: 2020-06-18 07:46 pm (UTC)"For me it was the whole town. I know that sounds stupid now, especially knowing what I know but she was queen of the town, the one in the know, and I just... panicked. It's like... everyone in town knew I was gay. I hadn't hidden that much as I never flaunted it but... but outing you meant getting you hurt and..."
And he needs to be honest. Wholly. Even if his words are already stop and go, halting as he tries to keep himself calm. No one here is going to hurt them, not like that, not because of that, but it doesn't make this easier.
"I kept thinking if I pushed you away then maybe it would be okay. If I could do that maybe you wouldn't be hurt by me again. Which was just me hurting you. Constantly."
He closes his eyes then, trying not to cry as his hand holds tighter than it should to Michael's hand. "It's still there," he whispers, something he hasn't admitted in therapy. Not in so many words. He's hinted around it, for a long time but he's never said it. "The fear. It's always there."