happy holidays

[littleorphanalien]

Michael had booked a table at the beachside restaurant a few weeks ago, before he even had a present ready for Alex. Now that it's almost Christmas, he leaves a suit out for Alex to wear, dressing in a baby blue suit himself with a black tie, and waits at the restaurant with his gifts beside him.

He's also booked them a suite at Kagura, which is part of the gift. The part that Alex doesn't know is that Michael intends to propose up there, on New Years, and getting there is just step one of the process.

For now, he's got a few other tricks up his sleeve and he's excited to give them to Alex. The little restaurant is quaint and adorable, with only a few tables under twinkling lights. The waves are crashing on the cold beach nearby, and Michael's already ordered them wine so that he's got it ready to pour by the time that Alex arrives.

Sliding his phone onto the table, he leans in to check whether he's on time, and knows that this is going to be his first Christmas ever with Alex, properly with him, and he couldn't be more excited.

Comments

[unendurable]

Michael had laid out clothes for Alex and he couldn't help but smile when he saw the outfit. Changing into it, loving how it looks on him and how good Michael is at this. He also loves how they're living together but meeting there for their first Christmas date. He positively loves that this their first Christmas, but not their last.

Getting the packages he had ready for Michael, several small packages in a brown handled bag, he heads for the restaurant.

And it too, like the suit, is perfect. He loves that Michael thought to have this at the beach, the memories of the afternoon they spent at the beach as teenagers one of his favorites.

Yet when he stops, seeing Michael in that suit, he knows this one is going to become another of his favorites as well.

"You look amazing," he says, staring at Michael and utterly stunned.

[littleorphanalien]

The minute Alex walks in, Michael knows he'd picked the right thing. It's a loud shirt, as loud as Michael is, and yet Alex wears it with a class and dignity that Michael could only hope to embody in what he's wearing right now.

His eyes are wide and have a slight sheen, staring at him, knowing how in love he is, and how he knows that in less than two weeks, he finally feels right about what's going to happen. "Hey," he greets, on his feet to grab the bags from Alex so he can hang his coat and settle in. "So, what do you think of the place? I know it's too cold for patio dining," he quips, "but I think this can work."

[unendurable]

Michael stands up and he is wearing this beautiful blue suit and he's all dressed up for Alex and he might well end up in tears. "Look at you," he whispers softly, just staring at him for the longest moment before letting Michael help him out of his jacket.

"Michael, it's perfect. I love being here at the beach with you." He leans in, kissing Michael tenderly. "Thank you for this."

[littleorphanalien]

Michael fidgets with the tie, nervous as all hell, and staring at him. "I had to redo this thing three times," he admits, and rubs his palm over the tie a few more times before he drifts in for that kiss.

"It's Christmas, right? It's one of the holidays we decided we'd do, so I figured we should definitely do it in style," he insists, staring at how good Alex looks. "You really carry off that print," he admires. "I made a good call."

[unendurable]

He runs his hand over Michael's chest, along the tie. "Sweetheart, you look amazing, and it's definitely well tied," he says, running his finger along the knot. "You went through all of this effort, Michael. For me. That means the world to me."

And it shows in his eyes, so much love shimmering there.

"We did, and I love that we're going to have this," he says. "Every year." Because you let him start it, Michael. He'll keep doing it.

"I actually like it a lot, Michael. Thank you. Maybe I should wear more patterns."

[littleorphanalien]

Michael melts forward into Alex's touch as soon as he feels it, the warmth near his heart making him seek it out, licking his lips as he leans in for another kiss, wanting to earn those rewards for every single well-done tie.

"Every year," he echoes with a warm laugh, knowing that he's made this bed for himself. "And I think you look in anything and nothing," he praises, "so I'm not going to stop you," he guarantees, sitting down at their charming little fireside table with a window view.

"Can you believe it's been five months since we were out there frolicking like idiot teens?"

[unendurable]

They're standing in the restaurant and they're just happy and this is some of the best moments of Alex's life. Though most moments with Michael are some of the best moments of his life.

Moving to sit down, just staring at Michael for a moment. "You're biased, but thank you. I still like this though. A lot." And he wants Michael to know how much he does like it. Especially in that Michael went through trouble to get it for him.

"Five months? Really? Wow," he says, looking to the window as he reaches for Michael's hand. "It was so amazing having that time with you, Michael, but I'm glad we're back together as ourselves. It means we know how bad it can get and we still want to be here with each other."

[littleorphanalien]

Michael catches himself thinking that this is all too good, too perfect. Alex is as handsome as he always is, and Michael's so desperate to have this moment as long as he can, but he sits down and adjusts the gifts so he can reach out for Alex's hand.

"Five months of us being together," he agrees, and saying it like that makes him almost want to cry with relief.

They haven't messed it up. They're still here, they're still making it work. "Four months of living together, and that's the one I'm pretty proud of. I'm not easy to live with."

[unendurable]

"I warn you, when we get to one year? I am going to make a huge production of it,' he admits, knowing he will do just that. He wants to constantly celebrate it, for both of their sake.

"You are?" He arches a brow, looking confused by that. "Are you sure you're not thinking about dealing with me, not me dealing with you?"

Because he feels the same, and that's just mentally and emotionally, and not even counting the things Michael has done for Alex's physical needs. It's just been so much and he almost feels overwhelmed on all he's gained in this place.

[littleorphanalien]

"One year will be...end of July. Or early August, if you count us getting together as teens as real or not," he clarifies, trying to think about how the timeline works if he looks at it that way.

No matter how he does, he loves the idea of them being together for a year. His heart pounds in his chest, because it's not that Alex knows it, but by that time, they'll hopefully have been engaged, too. "Seriously? I lived in an Airstream," he deadpans. "I have shitty habits," he points out. "I'm still shocked that we've managed to figure out each other's routines, but even little things, like alone time when we want it."

[unendurable]

"If we can't remember the exact date, I want us to pick one then," he says with a smile. "And I'll start planning things but the truth? To me it was real," he says, meaning it. "It was us having newer things to make up for the past, and I'm glad for that."

"You give me plants and make sure I have a bathroom I can use on my own and we have puppy we care for and Michael... I love living with you and I want nothing else." It's all he's wanted and he loves it. All of it.

[littleorphanalien]

"How about the date I had in my phone for our first dinner date," Michael says, digging it out to click around for a while, still feeling completely unsteady and weak with technology like this. Someday, he's going to have to sit down and let Alex explain it all to him like he's a child or an idiot (or both).

"It was real to me, too. And it was our teenaged selves forcing us to face what we kept putting off, but I'm so glad we did," he admits, squeezing Alex's hand.

He's so glad he didn't bring the ring tonight, because Alex talking like this is making him want to propose right there, right now. "I love living with you too," he promises, and pushes the gifts forward. "And I think you should open these."

[unendurable]

At that suggestion, Alex positively lights up, nodding. "I think that's perfect." And to him, it really is. It's the date that they had both really known this is it and had started the relationship that became what it is now. "So that gives me a day to start planning," he says, knowing he's going to do something to really celebrate that day.

"We needed those moments to remember how much we could be for one another," he says, squeezing Michael's hand. "And I think since we have this now, we have to remember that we knew we were meant to be together. At least once we got past all of the insanity."

He grins, not even hesitating, moving to open the first one. He stops when he sees the hat, looking up at Michael and his eyes are just bright and excited. "You sure you didn't get this for you," he teases.

[littleorphanalien]

"We needed them to learn that we could be friends," Michael says bluntly, because there had been a long while that he hadn't even known if they could. "And I wouldn't trade a single late-night phone conversation for the world," he guarantees, giving Alex a fond smile, feeling affectionate and adoring.

"Now, I know that we're gonna last, because we figured out a way to be us, but better." He grins as he opens the hat. "We're partners, right? Gotta have matching hats." The stuffed plushie toy is next and it's not exactly what he remembers from Star Wars, but everything here is off brand, so baby Godo is green and fuzzy and looks pretty close, but is...well, called Godo.

The last one is on Michael's person, and he's waiting for the end to hand that over.

[unendurable]

Alex stops for a minute, looking at Michael intensely. "The truth? Being your friend is the most important thing I've had in my life," he says, meaning it. They're amazing lovers, and he likes working together, but that he is living with his best friend means the world to him.

Just like the fact that Alex wanted them to both have hats. Brushing his hair back out of his face, he settles the hat atop his wild, silky hair and gives Michael a look. "Well? Can I pull it off?"

He starts opening the other package as Michael answers, going still as he stares at it. "Oh. My. God. It's a Yoda. A baby yoda," he says, the youthful, unlined face different from what he knows and the best. "This is the best way this place has screwed with the things we know," he says, poking it's nose. "Michael! I love it."

His grin widens. "You got me an alien."

[littleorphanalien]

Michael softens and gives Alex a fond smile, loving that he's enjoying it. He reaches forward to give the hat a little tip, darting over to kiss him. "You look damn good," he praises, because Alex would look good in everything, but, "And I'm definitely going to make sure that I get to see you in nothing but the hat."

He laughs fondly as he looks at him. "Yeah, an alien that has a different weird branded name," he teases.

"There's one other thing," he admits, and digs out the envelope to hand it to Alex, which has their reservation for three nights at Kagura, with the romantic couples package, the penthouse suite, and the included dinner and spa treatments.

[unendurable]

He preens at that, giving Michael a coy look as he leans back from the kiss. "Oh, first in jeans and this. Barefoot. I kind of think I would look awesome like that," he points out, giving Michael a look as if to see what he might think of that.

"Hush, or I'll decide what they would call you," he teases, preparing to reach for his gifts but then Michael pushes the envelope at him. Setting baby YodaGodo to one side of the table, he opens the envelope. He reads it and then looks at Michael, his jaw dropping. "You... Michael!"

It's extravagant and wonderful and he's stunned and not even hiding it.

[littleorphanalien]

Alex is saying a lot of things that's making Michael not want to keep having this dinner, because Alex barefoot in those jeans and the hat is something he absolutely wants to see and he lets out a tiny needy noise as it's presented to him as an option.

"Oh, you can call me all sorts of things," he guarantees with a lascivious wink, smiling as Alex opens the envelope. "I figured that it would be nice if we spent New Years' Eve there, since it'll be our first ever that we spend together."

"Is that okay?" he asks warily.

[unendurable]

That sound makes Alex smile, excited to get that sound from Michael. He knows it's time for his first gift then. He reaches into the bag he brought, pulling out a thin wrapped near square.

"Okay Cowboy," he says with a grin, giving him a wink. "And I would love that for the spending that night with you. Our first Christmas, our first New Years Eve," he says, smiling as he nods eagerly. "It's perfect. I love it, Michael," he says, pushing the first gift to him.

Inside is the first copy of his CD, finished and complete, the first prototype of the final run.

[littleorphanalien]

Michael reaches for the present, still feeling completely amazed that he gets something. He'd spent so many years as a kid trying not to feel left out or like he wasn't right because he didn't get to have Christmas the way that other people did, but now that finally gets to turn around.

Now, he gets a gift.

He takes the present and leans back in his chair to open it, reverently brushing his fingers over the album as he stares at Alex with no small amount of pride and wonder. "It's here," he says, and turns it to look at the track listing. "Alex," he exhales. "This is amazing, I'm so proud of you," he says, defiant and stubborn and knowing that he'll never be shaken from his pride. "I can't wait to lie in bed and listen to it."

[unendurable]

As Michael opens one present, Alex pulls out the other and holds on to it for a minute. Smiling as he sees it laying there, at Michael looking at it an then to him. That look in Michael's eyes makes his heart race.

"That's the very first copy. I wanted it for you. You're my biggest fan, and I want you to listen to it. Listen to the songs, the tracks and how they sound. Tell me what you think, Michael. All of the songs? They're written for you. In one way or another, they're about you and us," he admits, smiling widely as he talks about it, about all of the songs. "I... I just... I signed it," he says, ducking his head and pushing the other package towards Michael.

"I found this, Michael. I think you should have it," he says, thinking about finding it in his shirt drawer recently, and knowing just why it was given to him. So he could give it to Michael.

[littleorphanalien]

Michael doesn't need another gift, as far as he's concerned. He has Alex, he has their home, they have Bopp, and the CD is proof that Alex is following his dreams. He doesn't need anything else, but then Alex drags something else out, and he reluctantly looks up from the CD to the package.

He takes it in hand, giving Alex a fond look. Before he opens it, he leans over the table and kisses him softly, so proud, before easing back. "Which store did you find it in?" he asks as he's opening it, but when he gets his first peek, he freezes up, gaping at it.

"Alex," he says. "....how?"

[unendurable]

"That's the piece I found in the hole in the basement of the cabin," he admits. "I found it in, of all places, my tee shirt drawer. Just... I opened it and it was there. I think it's a gift. I've heard some talk about them. That is the exact piece I had."

The one they had fought over because Alex had been strong enough to do this before. Now he's doing the right thing.

"I know we still haven't found all of the pieces, but that's one more closer to having what you need for your ship."

[littleorphanalien]

This deserves more than a fond look. Not caring that they're in a restaurant, he cautiously covers it up as he stands and rounds the table to sink into Alex's lap, cupping his cheek with a possessively tight grip. "You have no idea how much it means that you gave this to me," he tells him, and he's pretty sure that Alex doesn't.

"That you trust me..." He lets out a soft sound, kissing him once more before he rises out of the seat, cognizant of them being in public.

"And you know I'd never go without you, right?"

[unendurable]

He shifts enough to pull Michael closer to him, hugging him tightly as he leans in and kisses his cheek. "You want to know something? I found it the day after we had that talk. When I knew that I had every faith in you that no matter what happens, you wouldn't leave without me. I wanted to believe it but I admit, I was scared. We had that talk and I knew. It is us. Always."

He kisses him once before before Michael leaves, smiling at him and looking a bit dopey for how happy he is.

"I know, Michael. I do. I had fears once but not anymore. Not in you."

[littleorphanalien]

Michael doesn't wanna cause a scene, but he also thinks that this kind of thing deserves affection. He's still feeling sort of tender, like he's so bowled over by Alex's gesture that he can't even believe that it's actually happened.

"I don't worry anymore either," he promises, squeezing his hand. "I'm gonna put this with the rest of the ship and try and rebuild it, but only as a hobby. I got everything I need right here, in front of me."

[unendurable]

He links his fingers with Michael for a moment, just staring at him and unable to look away with how much he loves him.

"And if the time comes you have your shift, I'll still be right there," he vows. "I'll learn how to be your second in command." He pauses, considering that. "I will probably wear blue, but my ears aren't pointy enough."

Sorry, Michael, he can't help himself.

[littleorphanalien]

Michael feels kind of like sometimes they're soppy and stupid and they're too much, and then he thinks about that morning in the Airstream when Alex had woken him up with his hand roaming over him, staring at him with that besotted look, and he decides fuck it.

Let them think whatever they want. Michael's happy, and he's spent so long not having that, he doesn't care what they look like.

"I bet you that I could make your ears plenty pointy with my teeth," he says, and mock-bites at him with a smirk.

[unendurable]

All of the fears, the panic that Alex has known for years because while he's been out, he's also afraid of the consequences of it. More than that, scared of what would and could happen to Michael because of loving one another.

He doesn't care anymore. Darrow is different, but it's not just that. It's more. It's what they've been through, the loss, the deaths, and it's not worth losing any of it. Especially not when they have this chance to start over without anyone there that has hurt them.

Alex laughs though, shaking his head. "Oh no. No permanent changes without anesthesia."

[littleorphanalien]

Michael grins at him and pours them some wine from the bottle on the table. "That just makes me feel like you're denying me access to nibble on your ears," he protests, but he reaches over to slide his fingers over Alex's hand.

"So, we're probably not going into space," he points out, seeing as they can't even leave the town. "But uh, what do you think you wanna do, for our future? If your music takes off, you really still going to work as a receptionist at a garage?"

[unendurable]

"That is not even close to true and you know it. No nibbling until their shape is changed. That's the rule," he says, smiling though as he lifts his glass and takes a sip.

"Why wouldn't I keep working at the shop? I like being around you, which I think you know. I can work on my music there. I mean, not like I can go on tour, so why wouldn't I do the job I enjoy?"

And he does. He enjoys updating the systems and helping Luke with his computer and all of that.

[littleorphanalien]

Michael holds his glass close to him, but he doesn't drink from it, too entranced by Alex and the way he sips, the way he acts. They're here in a fancy restaurant having a Christmas dinner together, and in a week's time and more, he's hopefully going to get to call Alex his fiance.

He stares, not looking away, because he loves these moments.

"And I mean, is that our future?" He's been thinking about it a lot. "If we're here five years, ten..." He shrugs. "Are we just gonna be mechanic and receptionist that whole time, will that be enough for us?"

[unendurable]

It's not a question that Alex is expecting but now he's curious. He shifts as he sets his glass down, considering Michael.

"I... I don't know. I just focused on this album, and you, and I never thought about what it beyond that." He cants his head, looking intently at Michael. "What do you want?" And that's when it hits him.

"We've never talked about that, Michael. What do you want?"

[littleorphanalien]

Here's the thing. Michael has no godly clue.

Michael shrugs, staring at Alex and wishing he did know. "Fuck if I know. Back in Roswell, the only future I saw for myself was trying to make it another decade, getting enough food to last through the week, and keeping on top of small jobs. I never really considered anything else."

For the first time in years, though, he feels hopeful again and like he should do something else. "The boat's sailed on me going to school," he says with a scoff. "But I don't know. I feel like I'm wasting my life," he echoes Alex's words at the reunion. "Aren't I?"

[unendurable]

Alex is quiet, intent and listening to Michael's thoughts on this and what it is he wants. Though he gets to that statement, and Alex goes cold. He had been a dick, a monster that in his own mind, hating himself for Michael's predicament, and taking it out on Michael. And just when he thinks things are so good between them, he's reminded that he isn't a good man, and worse, he's hurt Michael in ways he may never be able to atone for.

Nonetheless what his family has done to Michael.

He fights not to sink back into his chair, to excuse himself and, what, run? He's not even sure, but he feels suddenly sick, and so much of the self loathing he's been able to swallow and ignore in Darrow comes rushing back in an instant.

Instead of running though, he picks up his glass, downing it. It doesn't help the nausea but he's hoping it makes him feel warmer than he does in that moment.

He opens his mouth to speak and can't find words, his gaze dropping, unable to look at Michael as he responds to that.

"I know this sounds like an excuse but it wasn't you I was judging in that moment, Michael, it was me. I was the one that ruined your life, and I'm the one that abandoned you. You deserved so much more and I took that from you, and I blamed you for letting me."

Closing his eyes, hating that he's about ready to burst into tears in that moment.

"I'm sorry, Michael. I know it's not enough and it never will be but I'm sorry. I just... I will always hate myself for ruining your life, and I was a monster to take that out on you."

God, he really is his father's child. Abusing others for his own shortcoming. Fuck.

It's a realizing that hits him like a ton of bricks. He's just like his father.

[littleorphanalien]

Michael doesn't know what he's said to make Alex shut down like that, but then he follows it back. Alex must think he's pissed with him, upset, but that's not the case at all. Shit. He watches the way Alex drinks and then what he says and that makes him bolt from his chair, scraping it back so he can kneel beside Alex, taking one of his hands into both of his.

"Alex," he whispers, staring at him nervously. "I'm not saying that because I'm upset. I'm saying it because it's true now." He shakes his head, not wanting Alex to think it's his fault. "You're following your dreams, darling," he points out. "You're making music, you're doing everything you want, and I'm..."

He shrugs. "I'm a genius who's doing the same work he was at home, changing filters and tires." He gives Alex a sad smile. "You can't lie. It's wasting my life, my talents, but it's not like I know what I want to do otherwise, other than love you."

"You can't hate yourself for ruining my life, because you didn't. Jesse did. Isobel did," he says, and he loves her, but she did. "I don't hate her. I definitely hate him," he says bluntly. "I'm the one saying that I'm wasting my life, Alex. It's not you. Not your voice."

[unendurable]

Alex remembers though that moment when he had said that to Michael. When he saw the things Michael was doing, the life he was leading and instead of punishing himself for what Alex had done, he punished Michael.

He can say it's because it was safer keeping Michael from him, but he knows in the end, he's hurt Michael and he was just like his father. He's read the studies and knows the likelihood but as a gay man with no desire for kids, he never thought he'd see himself in that role. Looking back, he truly had done the same thing.

Staring at Michael then, making himself look at him as his eyes shine in the mood lighting of the room, and hating himself again for ruining this moment when it should be perfect.

"It's still horrible words I never should have said. It doesn't matter that I hated that I caused it to happen because in that moment I was cruel and it is awful I did it, Michael.

"If you're happy, you're not wasting your life. If you aren't, what do we need to do. I want you to have everything you want, Michael. You deserve everything in this world, and I will do anything for you to have whatever you want,' he vows, meaning it with every fiber of his being. "What do you want?"

[littleorphanalien]

"Darling," Michael whispers, and grabs at his hand as he shifts on his knees to slide up into his view a little more. "Hey, and how did I respond? I can hold my own. Just wanted to know if you were trying to hold my hand."

He lifts Alex's hand in his own, kissing each of his knuckles. "See? I knew you did," he teases him, because that hadn't hurt him. None of that shit had. Alex walking away did, but him spouting off some bullshit at the reunion? "Besides, you found traces of acetone on my property, which is a component of making meth, it's a pretty normal assumption."

He rubs his thumb over the back of Alex's palm, turning his cheek to rest it there against him. "I don't know what I want, Alex," he admits. "There's no space agency here to work for, and I guess an engineering gig would be second best, but I don't have the documents."

[unendurable]

Alex reaches out, stroking Michael's cheek as he leans in closer to him. "I know you can. I do," he whispers. "But you shouldn't have to. Not because I was being abusive," he whispers, shaking his head, hurting because of what he had done to Michael, that he remembers that and it might be upsetting him now.

"But I knew you, and I love you," he points out. "I loved you then and now. I should have trust you rather than thinking that I fucked up your life."

He wishes he hadn't said it, just so it wasn't still upsetting Michael now. No, so he wouldn't be worrying about it upsetting him.

"You could have the documents. I could make them happen but you can be anything and anyone here, Michael. So let's figure out what you want and make it happen. Isn't that what you did for me?"

[littleorphanalien]

Michael frowns and gets up, dragging his chair a little more over to Alex's side. "Hey," he says, and it's firm. "It's not abusive. I know abusive, I grew up with it, and you making a mistake isn't that," he says, needing Alex to understand that, because it's just not even something he could be capable of.

"I love you too, okay? And you didn't fuck up my life. You didn't even get close," he says sharply. "Seriously, Alex, if the shed and only the shed happened, I still would've gone to UNM. Scarred? Yeah. Hurting? Definitely. But I would've gone."

He leans over to kiss him, giving him a fond smile. "When I figure it out, I will definitely ask for help, but I'm not there yet."