car work

[littleorphanalien]

It had taken him a few tries, but Michael's managed to find a decent body of a car at the junkyard that he'd been given for just under two hundred bucks' worth of parts that he'd brought in to trade. It's an old Charger, but he knows he'll soup it up to make sure it's safe for everyone involved. Once he's got it in the shop, he takes over a small area in the back and texts Caleb that he's got his first shift after school on a Friday.

By then, Michael's already found about a quarter of what he needs, but the main thing he wants to work on with Caleb is the interior, since he wants to get the console installed, and he's got the wiring ready to go.

He's also put aside a jumpsuit for Caleb to use, just in case he really wants to feel like he's a part of the team, though he hasn't been able to get it embroidered the way he'd wanted to.

Comments

[littleorphanalien]

His shoulders slump dejectedly, because he's beginning to think that this is going to be a common thing with Caleb. He can't control his emotions for himself at the best of times, and the feeling that he's failing badly enough to drive Caleb away stings and makes him feel numb.

"Yeah," he manages. "I get it." He steels himself up and takes in a deep breath. "I'm probably the worst right now," he quips. "You should get out of here, go have a life, be a kid."

[greatamazingfeelingsboy]

"No, fuck, it's not like that," he insists. He curls in on himself, hugging his middle so he doesn't punch the car. "It's just a lot, I need air, I can't, I can't fucking breathe."

He backs away, breath coming harsher now as he struggles to fill his lungs. He tries to imagine Dr. Bright's voice, guiding him through his breathing. In... And out... In... And out...

Slowly, so slowly, he feels himself settle. He can still feel Michael, but it's easier to deal with. It's not overriding his feelings. Unlike Adam, whose ocean rises up around him sometimes, Michael is a tornado, sudden, violent, and lashing Caleb's insides with debris it rips up on its way by.

"I'm. I'm okay," he says at last. He's still hugging himself, but his breathing is under control again.

[littleorphanalien]

Michael gives a derisive scoff. "Really? Because you don't look okay," he says pointedly, and sharply, because if anything, he looks rough and like Michael's basically verbally abused him and maybe even physically a little, the way he's standing like that.

"I'm shitty for you, aren't I?" he says knowingly. "Not surprised. I smell like trouble at the best of times, this is just one more way of it."

[greatamazingfeelingsboy]

Now that he's calmer, it's easy to feel his own annoyance at Michael's remarks.

"Fuck, no, okay? It was just a lot. It happens with pretty much everyone. It's, it's fucking me, okay? My ability just fucking sucks sometimes." He shakes his head, no longer hugging himself. "We were having a good time, it was just— I wasn't expecting it. I let my guard down again and fucking— it's fine."

[littleorphanalien]

He blinks at him, feeling a little taken aback and guilty, because the thing is, his emotions are still overpowering. He knows that. He knows that for himself, so how could he control them for someone else?

Maybe he should be thinking about something that Noah had said.

"Has anyone ever tried to get you to train your ability?"

[greatamazingfeelingsboy]

Caleb's relaxing more, because the guilt is easier to handle than the shame, and because Michael's talking about things that are more productive, even if they still surprise Caleb a little.

"Um... I mean, my therapist back home was trying to help me balance my ability," he offers. "Like... learn how to stop people's feelings from overwhelming me? But... I don't, I don't think there's a way to, like, turn down the volume." That'd be fucking great, if there were. If he could decide how much he felt at any given time.

[littleorphanalien]

"With my powers, if I don't use them and I don't practice, I puke," he says bluntly. "My siblings, they always wanted to be normal, so they suppressed them. I didn't. I also use the acetone, which helps cut the pain," he explains, his voice subdued so no one listens.

"But there's gotta be a way," he says, squinting at Caleb. "Maybe it's just that you haven't figured it out yet."

[greatamazingfeelingsboy]

"I mean, maybe?" he concedes, though he isn't convinced. "But I don't use my powers. They just happen to me. I wouldn't even know where to begin, y'know? Dr. Bright always had me doing mindfulness exercises — meditation and shit — but all it really did was help me figure out where my feelings were underneath everyone else's."

He thinks about that moment with Mark, the first time he'd met him. Mark isn't an empath, but when he's near Caleb, he is. Caleb had felt his anger, and Mark had felt Caleb feeling his anger, and it had turned into a vicious loop. Dr. Bright had helped Caleb pull back, but he'd thought maybe it was her presence more than her instructions. Maybe it wasn't, though. It had worked just a minute ago, with Michael's feelings.

"Maybe I just... need to keep trying."

[littleorphanalien]

"Yeah, but they're part of you. Same as mine are part of me," Michael argues, feeling like that means there has to be some kind of switch, even if they haven't figured it out yet. He settles back against the car, leaning there, and feeling better than he did a moment ago.

Trying doesn't seem like the answer either, but he thinks maybe it's progress.

"When are you calmest and most in control of them?"

[greatamazingfeelingsboy]

Caleb can feel him puzzling it out in the Pop Rocks on his arms. But he's settled again. He likes thinking about things, Caleb realizes. He likes puzzling things out.

He moves closer to lean against the car with him.

"I'm never... really in control," he answers. "But, it's easiest when I'm around Adam. That green place is really, really good for me. But, I mean, without him, I guess... The more I know a person, the easier it is to balance their feelings with mine. Like my parents and sister? They're easy. Their feelings fit next to mine, and I can tell who they belong to."

He shrugs, realizing he's kind of rambling but unsure of how to stop, now that he's started.

"But, I mean. I haven't been alone, like, really alone, since before my ability showed up."

[littleorphanalien]

"What about some kind of book? Like, the colors, all in one place? What if you could sort of reference them and try and shift them back to a place where they feel right?" he suggests, not sure if it'll work. "With mine, it's practice. Making it so that it's a normal part of what I do."

"I don't know if flooding your system is the answer, but maybe instead of running, maybe you face it and fight," he suggests.

[greatamazingfeelingsboy]

"No, no way," he says. "Flooding my system and trying to fight it ends with me beating a guy almost to death. I, I, I can't do that again, I can't— fuck, I don't even know if he's still alive! I can't—"

He's starting to get panicky again just thinking about it. He can remember the feel of Damien's jaw breaking under his fist. His ribs cracking. The split of his skin and the smell of his blood.

The taste of his fear on his tongue.

[littleorphanalien]

Michael stares at Caleb's hand, starting to get a better picture of what had happened, and now he feels bad for the kid. "It's okay," he soothes, and he thinks about how Isobel had always calmed herself, putting himself in that place, nice and gentle and easy.

"Hey, breathe," he advises. "I bet whatever you did, you had to," he guarantees. "And it's okay."

[greatamazingfeelingsboy]

"It's not okay," he argues, but he lacks heat now. "I might have killed him, because I lost control. I lost myself under all that anger, and a guy might be dead."

He's not yelling, not panicking. He's just leaning next to Michael against the car, looking down at his hands, too. The small cuts have mostly healed, and the bruising is gone. A small blessing, at least, but he'll probably always remember how it had looked.

[littleorphanalien]

Michael goes completely still, glad that there's no one else here right now. He clears his throat, feeling a little awkward, but Caleb already knows he's an alien. Why not one more secret. "I uh, I knew people, people who killed others because they lost control."

Isobel and Max had no control, he knows that. When it happened, they weren't themselves. Noah had Isobel and Max didn't even know he could.

"I was there, I helped bury graves, cover up the alien part of it. If you had done it, then it would've been an accident, that's all."

[greatamazingfeelingsboy]

"I don't..." Caleb shivers a little. "I don't know if I could live with that," he admits. "I don't know if I can handle that."

[littleorphanalien]

"Yeah, it's a real bitch," Michael agrees, because there isn't a day that passes that he doesn't think about the drifter that Max killed at thirteen or the girls. "Trust me, even though it wasn't on my hands, not exactly, I didn't enjoy a single second of it."

It haunts him, even now. "But sometimes, you don't get to choose."

[greatamazingfeelingsboy]

Caleb nods. "I just wish I knew," he murmurs. "One way or another, y'know? I wish I knew, so I could fucking deal with it."

[littleorphanalien]

"Then pick," Michael says. "You decide what happened, then you live with it. Maybe you do what me and Alex do, you go and find some therapy, deal with that." It's weird for him to say that so casually given that he'd never do that at home, but Darrow isn't Roswell.

"I live with that shit, but Alex knows. He knows my secrets, he helps me get through them."

[greatamazingfeelingsboy]

Caleb nods, faintly at first and then with more conviction. "He's alive," he decides. "Dr. Bright wouldn't let him die. She's not that kind of person."

He has to believe that. It feels right, more or less, but he has to believe it's true.

[littleorphanalien]

"See? There you go," he encourages. "Modern medicine these days is pretty incredible too," he adds, because he doesn't want Caleb to be worrying about that. "And besides, time kind of stops here," he offers. "So who knows? Maybe you'll go back and you'll be calm enough that you can save his life."

[greatamazingfeelingsboy]

For the first time since Michael's met him, a glimmer of hope flashes through Caleb's eyes.

"You think so?" he asks, voice lifting the tiniest of bits to match his eyes.

[littleorphanalien]

Michael knows hope when he hears it, especially when he sees it. He's had that hope before, and he wants it for him. "I mean, yeah," he says, with a casual shrug, like it's no big deal. "Why not? This place is a complete anomaly, we might as well take advantage of it."

[greatamazingfeelingsboy]

Caleb hesitates for only a second before nodding. "Yeah," he says. "Yeah, you're right." He hadn't thought about it like that, but if Michael's right, then everything is stopped, back home. Sam's safe house is waiting for him, and he'll go back better. He has to. He can't believe anything else.

[littleorphanalien]

Michael leans forward to clap Caleb on the shoulder, glad that at least someone can rest easy, even though he knows it won't be him (at least, not for the foreseeable future). "See? There you go," he encourages. "Now, I don't have much more I can do for your car today, but how about you find me the color you want."

"I can at least start painting the body."