dated july 11

[littleorphanalien]

Was it a good idea to spend a week's wages on this?

Probably not, but ever since the conversation about whether he's a kid from the 1990's or the 1940's, Michael's idiot brain had latched onto the comment that if he's from the latter, he'd better start dressing like it. So he'd taken his pay from the garage, he went to the clothing store, and he bought himself a nice burgundy cardigan, a pair of khaki pants that Max would probably salivate over, and then tortoise-shell faux glasses.

On the way out, he picks up a pack of hard candy, because if he's gonna be an asshole about the comment, he's gonna go all the way. Once he changed and slicked his hair like a magazine he saw, he heads to open mic night with the hard candies in his cardigan pocket, sitting himself down in the front.

He waits until Alex's act, but then he very deliberately unwraps one of the candies with a smirk on his face, popping it in his mouth. Alex wants him to act his age? Well, he might not do that, but he's gonna dress it, just to prove a point.

Comments

[unendurable]

There are these little intimacies they're sharing that are more than Alex has hoped for in so many ways. They're moving on, and they're trying to have more than they have, than they thought they could have, and yet there's so much they haven't entirely faced, and things they may never be able to confront, and Alex kept telling himself not to hold out too much hope. Michael has said it before about hope not being the safest thing and Alex understands what he means.

And yet he can't help himself. Especially now.

Of course he misses kissing Michael, can't help but thinking about it so often, and yet when they're together like this, sharing space together, talking and just having these small, light touches, it seems like maybe everything will be okay and they will be able to get through it. All of it.

So every time Michael's finger brushes against his hand, it feels right. He wonders if it will all be okay.

"Could you really handle that though? Isobel and me and all of that as part of your life? Could you handle it?"

Teasing by his tone, the wide smile he gives Michael as they stroll along the boardwalk, something he never could have imagined for them given their life before.

"Do you know how far outside of the city you can get? To get away from the lights?"

[littleorphanalien]

"It'd be perfect. I could leave you two to bitch about people and make snarky comments and not have to smile and nod like you two expect a response," he quips, but he's grinning as he thinks about how much Isobel really would like Alex, if only she got the chance.

It's all about chances, isn't it?

Here they are, on their third or fourth, but this one feels different. Maybe because they're talking and not just crashing into one another the way they always used to.

"I heard there's countryside here, so I'm assuming it gets pretty dark," he admits. "It's not the desert, but once I get some wheels, I'll take a trip out there. Gotta save some money to do that, though. They're not willing to just give me a truck if I get it running, the way Sanders did."

[unendurable]

"Oh so it was meant to be me being the one dealing with her. I get it," he says, giving him a sidelong look. "So you could ignore us both. Mmmmhmmm. I see how it is," he says, smiling so much it nearly hurts, the amusement shining in his eyes even in the dark.

Alex's smile only grows though. "I don't know. I mean, if you're going to test drive something, you have to take it on a bit of a drive," he teases. "So it could just be a test drive one night. Just... for the open roads?"

Hey, he's trying to come up with any answer for Michael's sake.

"What about a rooftop of one of the taller buildings? Get up and above the lights?"

[littleorphanalien]

"I love Iz, don't get me wrong, but sometimes all that sass and the sharp edges cuts you and then you start really thinking your hair looks significantly worse," he jokes, because that's definitely something that has been said to him and recently.

He laughs, though, like all the tension bleeds out of him, when Alex doesn't seem to take it seriously.

"You think you're smart, huh?" he teases. "Gaming the system like that. We could also just take a taxi, if we need to go out there for a single night, but I kind of like the idea of rebuilding an old pick-up, lying in the back with blankets," he admits with a shrug. "Up on the roofs, it's still too bright. Nothing like it used to be on Foster Ranch. Shame the Air Force is building a base on it."

[unendurable]

"First rule. Always ignore her if she's insulting your hair," he says, tones a bit sharper then, showing just how he feels about Michael's hair. "It's perfect just as it is, however it is."

He's always believed that. He always will. He can't help it with those curls.4

"Who has the money for that," he says, nose wrinkling, thinking about the cab fare he's paid in one city or another. "Though I can't say that sounds bad. I kind of like it," he murmurs softly, canting his head back and staring up at the stars.

"Wish I had an idea how to sabotage that," he murmurs, not thinking about the words, just about what he wants to do for Michael. "It's like that out at the cabin. Far enough out you can see the stars by the thousands, millions," he says, thinking about being out on that porch by himself, his mind racing over all he's done wrong and never gotten right with Michael. Not until now.

[littleorphanalien]

"Oh, it's been bad," Michael guarantees with a snort, and gives him an amused look. "Drive-in? The night you wanted to share a sixer in my truck? It was bad that day, and that was all your fault," he happily accuses, seeing as Alex had managed to get it all tangled up and wild that morning.

Michael hadn't fixed it.

Shame they hadn't gotten another chance to do it that night before Alex had told him it wouldn't work, but they're making it work this time. "Just tell me it's not another Caulfield," he insists. "I scoured the land over a few sleepless nights for all the pieces I could find, so I don't need it anymore for crash materials, but just tell me it's normal government shit and not Caulfield level."

He doesn't ask if he can come out to Alex's cabin and see the stars. Maybe even stay a while.

[unendurable]

"But when it's bad for that,' he says in a low voice with a glance at Michael. "Is there really reason to complain?" He knows there's no reason in his mind to complain, even as his hand fairly itches, wanting desperately in that moment to run his fingers through Michael's hair. Just to comb his fingers through those wild curls, feeling them run over his fingers and knot against his touch.

But then Michael asks about the land and he tenses at that. "I... I honestly don't know. Not in details. I heard nothing that would make me think it was going to be anything but training land," he admits. "So I would say it's normal government shit, and to look for the things you've already found."

Which, thankfully, they won't find.

"We'll find a way to get out of town, out into the dark and check out the sky here. I'm curious about it anyway. About where we are."

[littleorphanalien]

"Only if it's not getting messed up like that on a regular basis," Michael gives his opinion with a healthy dose of bedroom eyes, even though he knows that he's not supposed to be doing any of that.

He keeps them walking, knowing they can do a loop and Michael can walk Alex to his place. "I dislike the government in general using the land," he grumpily mutters. "They already took enough from me." And he doesn't mean his childhood or other shitty things that happened to him.

He's only talking about Alex.

"But yeah, we'll go stargazing here. We can lie on our backs and listen to whatever emo music you want me to listen to as we stare upwards."

[unendurable]

Oh but Alex catches that look and damn it makes his knees weak. "Is that saying no messing up your hair regularly, or not doing things to get it messed up regularly? I mean, One kind of leads to the other, and the other does tempt me to just drag my hair through those curls," he admits, though he's working to utterly keep his tones even, light and even serious.

Even if they are skirting dangerous territory, and Alex knows it.

"I know. Michael, I have no control over that but if we were home, I would try and find a way," he says. Though he's thinking about Michael's family when he says that and not himself.

"You better get used to that emo music," he teases. "That's kind of what I've been writing," he admits.

[littleorphanalien]

"Maybe when you come over and cook me dinner, you can show me the difference between the two?" He says it real calmly, but it's the most outward flirting he's done with Alex since he got here. Not by much, though, because he's still all about making sure Alex knows that the break as friends isn't because Michael doesn't want him.

He's not sure he could stop that.

"I know you would," Michael admits. "I know sometimes I still don't believe it, but before we got here, I could see you doing more. Once you figured me out, you were making a point of being back in my life and I appreciate it." Now, they practically live in one another's pockets. "Your music isn't emo, it's romantic and sweet in an angsty sort of way," he says, reaching over for the cardigan so he can unbutton it. "Hey, here, put this on for real, the water's chilly out here," he says, and the breeze off of it isn't much better.

[unendurable]

"I think I definitely will show you that," he murmurs, even as he reaches out, catching one of those curls and giving it a teasing twist as he brushes it back from Michael's face. Knowing though that it will fall back against his cheek in a moment.

They're skirting things now, and Alex knows it, but he can't help himself. This feels right and normal and it's things they've never had before. They went from zero to sixty fast once Michael kissed him at the Emporium and now they're having a chance to explore all the rest, and he loves that.

"It took me a while," he admits in a low voice. "And I feel stupid for that, but even before this place I feel I was finally becoming the man I always should have been. This place is just making it easier. With who I want to be as a person. Who I want to be with you."

And here it's easier, but he's glad for that as well.

Even if it's not easier as Michael's hand skim over the sweater around his shoulders, so close that it would take nearly nothing to lean in, to kiss him finally. Not those kind of desperate burning kisses they've shared before but something deep and soft and soulful.

And he clears his throat suddenly, realizing how much he's leaning into Michael as he has those thoughts.

"If you're chilly, maybe you need it," he murmurs. He's smiling though, not resisting Michael's gestures to get him into the sweater. "It is a bit cold though," he admits, realizing the moment the buttons open how cold he would be without the cardigan.

[littleorphanalien]

The breeze has been pushing his hair aside, but when Alex touches it, he stops walking so he can let it fall back against his face. He hasn't cut it in the few months since he's been here, but that just means it tends to curl more, and bounce the way it does when Alex releases it.

"It's easier here. No aliens, no Manes men, no ship," he admits. "No chance for you to walk away or me to freak out because there's too much going on." He works and he worries about Alex, which are two simple things that he can do.

He isn't even drinking as much anymore, even if he's only newly noticed that.

"Nah, I'm fine," he guarantees, and slides it over Alex's arms, tugging on the hem of it to bring Alex closer into his personal bubble. It would be the perfect time to kiss him, the right moment. The moon is beautiful, the ocean is calming, and Alex looks so good as he holds that rose.

Instead, he slides his palm up to fix the tag that's sticking out, tucking it back in, and letting his fingers graze over Alex's neck before he eases back. "I'll walk you to your place?" he suggests. "How are you liking it?"

[unendurable]

He very nearly argues that there's one Manes' man there, but the truth is that he doesn't see himself like that. Not anymore. His name is Manes but he isn't one. Not like that. No anymore. And he's glad for that. It's all part of the growing. Yet Michael's words strike him, and he glances at him for a moment, thinking about how to word this.

"You know that's not why I'm here right? It isn't because I can't leave. It's because I've learned how horrible it is to be leaving you," he says, meaning it, intense and darkly serious.

"My life and my love if you, Michael, and that is why I don't walk away." And he doesn't miss them strolling along together. He isn't walking away, they're together in that walk.

But he smiles as Michael gets the sweater over his arms. snuggling into it as Michael's hold pulls him close. He's not sure he can not kiss Michael, but then he knows what he needs more than that.

The rose still held in his hands, Alex slid both arms around Michael's waist, pressing in close to him and resting his cheek against Michael's shoulder. Holding him close, a careful intimacy of needing to be close to Michael but without the sort of panicked and desperate sexualization that tinges so much of their time together when they're touching.

Tension physically leaves his body in that moment, his hands splayed along Michael's back as he hugs him tightly. "Thank you," he whispers. "For being here. For supporting me. For not giving up on me. Thank you. Even thank you for walking me home. I am really liking Darrow, Michael. This is becoming the home and life I always wanted."

And he plans to work to keep that in his life, along with Michael.

[littleorphanalien]

Michael stays quiet while Alex speaks. He wants to believe that he's not going to go, and though Alex has never made the promise before, he also remembers how badly it had stung every time Alex had gone. He hasn't since they got here, though, not unless it's when they agree, like at the end of a day at the shop.

"I never thought it really impacted you. You always seemed in control and I always felt like I was spinning my wheels when you went," he admits, thinking of how deep in the drink he'd let himself get, not to mention how he'd let himself pursue Maria because he'd just wanted to feel something other than pain.

Of course, not telling her the whole truth while using only the parts of her he'd wanted isn't exactly a stand-up guy move and if she ever shows up, he knows he owes her a lot of truth.

When Alex slides into his arms, into that hug, Michael draws him in. He slides his fingers into Alex's hair, the other at the small of his back. "Hey," he exhales, his voice shaky, but his hold strong. The last time they'd been this close had been Caulfield, and he feels like he needs to say something. "Uh, so," he manages, shakily. "My Mom, when she was in my head. She...she said she wanted me to run, that she loved me. There was also this..." He fights to get the words out, because he needs to. "This glimmer of approval, like she was only insisting I run because she saw how much you cared about me, how much you loved me."

"I think she approved of you," is what he's saying.

[unendurable]

"Michael, I have been a broken, messed up, confused mess since that day in the shed," he whispers, hands clutching into the back of Michael's shirt, trying not to give into the pain of those words, the need to cling to Michael and never let go. Just holding to him as tight as he can. "I haven't know what is right or wrong, what to do, how to fix anything. Not even myself. Not until I knew that living without you wasn't worth going on."

Even now he's not sure how to keep himself together, how to heal, but he knows he's not giving up. Utterly and completely not giving up again. Not on himself, or Michael. Not on them.

And then Michael is telling Alex about his mom in those last moment at Caulfield, on how she had felt about Michael, and about them. Clinging to Michael, not caring that others might see them, might judge. Turning his head to bury his face against Michael's neck. The sound of his tears is tender, more snuffling than sobbing.

"I'm so sorry," he whispers. About losing her for Michael. About his loss. About all he's done. "I do love you, Michael. I always have. Please, never doubt that now. I know it hasn't been clear always but please, please believe me. I love you."

[littleorphanalien]

Michael rubs his hand over Alex's back as he speaks, knowing that he just dumped a hell of a lot on Alex, which probably isn't fair, but hearing that Alex was just as messed up, that he felt just as much, it makes him feel like he hasn't been alone over the last decade.

Now, they're here together. That's what Max always used to say.

He runs two fingers under Alex's chin to lift his face, pressing a kiss to his forehead, lips brushing his hair. "Hey, I love you too," he promises, giving him a weak smile. "You never look away, right? Neither do I." It's a way to say I love you, but he does. He told Alex he loved him, but he loves him, he really does. "I'm never gonna stop loving you, I don't think I actually could."

He keeps Alex's head tucked under his chin, lifted high to the sky. "Max had this thing he said. That we were the three of us alone, together. Here, it's us two. Alone, but together."

[unendurable]

There's so much going on in his head and heart, and so many emotions that he isn't sure how to handle them but he knows one thing. He's never felt more settled, more at peace, and more whole than he does in that moment.

Easily looking to meet Michael's gaze, smiling slightly then, giving a small shake of his head. "Never. I'm never looking away," he says with a soft, contented sigh as he lifts one hand, cupping Michael's cheek. Softly stroking his thumb along his cheekbone, caressing him tenderly before his fingers trace Michael's cheek, dropping his hand to rest on Michael's chest, curling into the shirt there.

"Alone but together," he agrees, knowing that while Michael has those that he misses in that being alone, it's not the same for Alex. He might miss his friends, butgiven the choice this is where Alex wants to be.

[littleorphanalien]

Michael holds onto him as tightly as he can, his hand moving up and down his back, right up until the moment he knows if he holds on any longer, he's gonna kiss Alex. It's the only reason he backs away, but he keeps close to Alex as he nudges him to slowly begin to walk.

"Come on," he coaxes Alex, taking a few steps to walk backwards, sliding the glasses back down onto his face. "I gotta get you home before I do something real stupid," he says bluntly, and the way he's put three feet between them, the way he's walking backwards, how he's averting his gaze just a little should be a pretty clear indication of what that stupid thing would be.

[unendurable]

Alex gives a soft sigh as Michael moves away, and yet he smiles even as he does. Straightening the sweater, he moves to settle back in at his side as they had been before, not quite touching but only because they both know how easy it is to fall back into one another again.

"No, Michael. It's not stupid but we're not ready," he agrees, brushing his hand against the back of Michael's, feeling better about them, about himself, than he has in a long time.

-fin